Friday, July 21, 2006

Small steps

Is it the indecisiveness, the delay, the weather, the hurt feelings, the over thinking or just plain life that is making me feel so down. Could it be the knife sticking out of my back put there by those that I held close that is making me hurt so much.

I often wonder if I was meant to be a solitary person. To live alone and be a hermit. I am withdrawing more and more lately. I have to make deliberate efforts to leave the house daily. Once out I am in a better mood and life seems simple again.

Then again, If I didn't have Dave and my kids to draw me out I don't know where I would be. I picture myself wallowing in self pity curled up in a ball in the corner of a darkened room. That image scares me.

I am continuing to work through these feelings without the help of food to numb myself, that is one thing I feel good about these days. As my physical health continues to improve my mental health diminishes. Or does it. I am working through my *problems* constructively, no one ever said it would be easy or painless. I am finally helping myself through the pain and allowing myself to feel it, I almost embrace it before deciding I don't need it and dispose of it. It is a process, small steps.

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