Sunday, March 12, 2006

Feeling ugly

Lately I have just been feeling so ugly, for a lack of a better word. I feel fat and bloated. I don't feel as though I walk around, I feel like I lumber. Like a giant person lumbering across the land and the whole ground shakes and people shriek and cover their eyes and run. That's how I feel. I am not comfortable in my own skin, I feel big and itchy. Yes, itchy. This is so not me. I can't use the *I just had a baby* excuse anymore because the *baby* is two years old.

I tried Weight Watchers, several times actually. I just can't count another point. The site of the sliding thingie makes me want to puke. The commercials make my head hurt and I still can't figure out activity points. So, as I usually do I quit. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not putting down weight watchers, it works for thousands and thousands of people and I am very happy for them, I am.

It just isn't for me. I don't like standing in line to wait to be weighed by a judgmental stranger. I stand there, eyeing the other's feeling vulnerable. I think they are thinking, what took her so long to get here. She should have been here years ago. Okay, I realize that thinking other people are actually thinking about me is ridiculous, but I do. Then there was the incident when I forgot to take off the name tag after the meeting and wore it to the grocery store. You just know after everyone saw that weight watchers name tag stuck to me they were eyeing my cart to see exactly what I was buying thinking does she really need that.

I digress, as usual. Yesterday I went to a birthday party. I felt fat and ugly. I didn't want to be there, I was too fat and ugly to be there. I looked around at all the skinny people and saw how confident they were. I was a skinny girl once, I had tons of confidence, I want that back. I want my confidence and self esteem back. I could hardly stand to be there, to talk to anyone. I tried to stay in one spot and blend in with the background and hide behind my purse. But that is was almost impossible since I had to chase Elyse and save the dog from her vice like hugs. I couldn't wait to leave, not because it was a bad party, but because I felt like the biggest thing in the room and I couldn't stand it.

So I am on a quest. Actually this quest started a couple of weeks ago, I am just getting around to being able to talk about it. I am going to eat healthy, I am going to turn the whole family around to eating healthier. I figure if I change my eating habits my health will improve and my weight will drop. Actually my weight has already begun a descent and I have tons more energy. Energy is a big must in this house so only good things can happen by being healthy.

I shared a few months ago that I am vegetarian. I was raised a vegetarian, and although I strayed some in my teen years and I ate *gasp* hamburgers and beef burrito's and two steaks, I haven't had meat again in almost 20 years. I am slowly trying to wean out the dairy too. Slowly, I haven't told the kids or Dave yet.

I recently bought a couple of vegetarian cookbooks. Quick simple cookbooks that require very few ingredients, ingredients that I am familiar with. So far so good. We have had some good filling dinners that everyone loved. Of course, there was that morning last week I discovered a corndog wrapper and stick in the trash.


Blogger KaiVegan said...

You know when I got to my weight goal I became so confident like I was a new person. I walk around like I was the skinniest, healthiest woman in the world. But then sometimes, especially after a big meal, I feel fat and I would think that I've gain some until I hopped on the scale the next day and realized it was just my mind. I also remember dieting in my college days because I thought I needed to, but I was like 95 pounds! I must have some disorder before and have to really renew my mind.
Anyhow, I could totally relate to what you're saying here and would love to keep up with you.

1:15 PM  

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