Saturday, February 11, 2006


It was such a beautiful day today and we had been in the backyard for at least an hour, when Jeff said "hey mom, look what I found" and he was pointing at a parrot in a bush. We had been no more than a foot away from that fence several times today. It was very well camouflaged in the green bush.

We have a couple of flocks of wild parrots in the area. One is a rather large flock of 30 parrots and the other is much smaller in size of about eight to ten parrots. They are not indignant to our Southern California area and I am not sure where they came from but they have been around for 20+ years.

But this parrot was not a wild parrot. It acted almost bored when we all gathered around to gawk at it. It was someone's pet. The kids wanted to keep it, of course, but there is no way I am bringing one of those dirty creatures into our already crowded quarters. I have had birds before and they are messy.

I knew we couldn't leave it out like that, it obviously had no survival skills since it couldn't even detect the impending danger of five kids stalking it. We have cats, possums and raccoons in the area and I didn't want it to become a meal. So we alerted the neighbors, who have birds and an available cage to give it a suitable home. It was easily captured and looked relieved to be behind bars. Signs will be put up and ads will be taken out in search of the wayward parrots owners. If they aren't found it will have a good home.

Later, I was thinking about how well the parrot was camouflaged, how it just wanted to blend in and not be noticed. That is how my mood has become lately. I just want to blend in. I don't want to stand out, I don't want to participate, I don't want to socialize. I just want to become a solitary creature. An impossibility in my household I know, but outside the house I just want to remain anonymous.

I force myself out of bed everyday. I force myself to shower and dress thinking once I get going I will feel better and more up to facing the day. I don't. I get the kids off to school, play with the younger kids and go through our morning routine and at 11:00, t.v. time, I go back to my bed and pull the covers up to my neck hoping to be swallowed up and disappear. I don't even want to answer the phone when it rings, I don't want to talk, I don't want to engage in the niceties of a conversation. I just want to be numb.

Of course I can't, the kids, my family, need me to be an active participant in life. So I continue to pretend, hoping that if I fake it, I will make it.


Blogger Heather said...

I know that you have probably heard this, but I will say it anyway. I have a lot of friends who are on medication for depression and they say that it makes a world of difference. Have you considered this?

Other than that, I'm sorry to hear that you have not been feeling yourself lately, and I hope that you find some joy in your life soon.

1:17 PM  
Blogger Cee said...

Thanks :). I have considered medication but I don't want to deal with the side effects. I want to try diet nd excercise first to see if that helps.

I do feel joy, my kids and Dave fill me with joy, they really do.

I feel as though I am on the cusp of depression, I just need to stay on the light side and not cross to the dark. I hope that makes sense. Thanks for the suggestion :).

2:05 PM  
Blogger Slacker Mom said...

Get exercising then girlfriend!!

You got to do something before things take over. You are functioning which is great, keep up the good work, I know it's hard. :)

Medication is not the worst thing, you can take such a low dose and it does help, I took some for a bit when I weaned my son, my hormones went beserk.

It did help, and I really didn't find there to be any side effects...

Anyway, work at it, don't give up.


4:05 PM  
Blogger kat said...

Cee, I feel the same way most days.. I also have depression, really always have. I am on medication.. but I still have the same underlying feelings of wanting to retreat to bed and just become one with the bed and let the day go on without me.
Amanda and Juan also give me joy, they are my best friends.
We decided we needed to get away so we are planning a cheap (free other than gas) trip where I do not need to stress think or plan just relax and enjoy... I think that will help.

5:36 PM  
Blogger Chilihead2 said...

I know that diet and exercise will help. I have also taken various medications for depression for the last 10+ years. It makes a world of difference and I find the side effects to be low.

I hope you feel better.

12:32 PM  
Blogger Veronika said...

What a beautiful bird! It's good to know that he'll have a good home if his true owners find him or not.
I think I know how you must feel about wanting to disappear and be numb, but I don't know what to say. We as women do so much without much appreciation. I've found that when I get to feeling all slumpy (yes, that's a word. I invented it.), nothing perks me up like a brisk walk or an exercise video.
Sending (((hugs))) your way-

9:11 PM  
Blogger Tyra said...

You definetly sound depressed, I've been right where you are and medication helped so much. Maybe you should visit your doctor and talk about it.

7:23 AM  

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